Tanner Roark got quality start with quality 'stache

The mustache works in mysterious ways.

Brian Tinsman
July 01, 2018 - 11:15 pm
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Eric Hartline-USA TODAY Sports

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June wasn't the kindest month to Washington Nationals pitcher Tanner Roark, but he finished it on a sweet note.

His start on Thursday was good enough to help his team win (one earned run over six innings), even though they didn't.

Perhaps as important is that he looked good doing it.

Gone was the full beard that he sported as recently as his last start, replaced by a pristine mustache and chiseled sideburns. The look would have been commonplace on the mound in the 1970s, but was a noteworthy look in 2018.

Sure, Roark labored through each of his six innings, never setting down the Phillies in order and constantly pitching out of jams. But those jams, which may have derailed him in other recent starts, were no match for him on Thursday. Could there be magic in the mustached-look?

Surprisingly, no member of the media discussed the facial hair factor after the game, so we turned to Dr. Aaron Perlut, chairman emeritus for the American Mustache Institute. Perlut describes himself as the world’s leading authority on the sexually dynamic Mustached American lifestyle and a freedom fighter.

While the American Mustache Institute supports and promotes facial hair of all varieties, he attributes Roark's quality start to the power of the mustache. Hone your facial hair and it will help hone your craft.

"Not only has science and Biblical text taught us that facial hair has an impact on sexual dynamism, but there's a direct correlation between facial forestry units and athletic prowess," he explained. "Throughout the past five to seven decades, we've seen significant examples of facial hair, in a variety of forms, directly related to athletic excellence."

Nats manager Dave Martinez agreed, without attributing any of the success to facial hair.

"Tanner pitched good enough to win and that was good to see," the skipper told the media after the game. "He started off a little erratic, and all of a sudden he started getting the ball down, where he's good. He pitched well."

The mustache works in mysterious ways.

 

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