Chad Dukes commences his annual plight: 'Crab shells STINK!'

Chris Lingebach
June 20, 2019 - 5:42 pm

It's crab season on the Chesapeake, which means assignment editors across the region are looking for topical angles to bring in the summer.

Perhaps Maura Judkis, a culture, food and reporter of the arts for The Washington Post, didn't quite understand the landmine she was setting off by introducing this topic, under the guise of exploratory research.

Or maybe she did:

But the reverberations from the blast could immediately be felt in her own mentions and at 106.7 The Fan, where longtime crab critic Chad Dukes had a few bones to pick.

For a counterpoint, we go to 106.7 The Fan's resident Baltimorean, Matt Valdez:

"I think that it's incredibly embarrassing – and before I take too much crap here, my wife is from Maryland – that the Marylanders base their entire identity on this bottom-feeding cockroach of the bay," Dukes said.

"The two things that I know that Maryland bases their identity on: Natty Boh. It's not brewed in Maryland. Crabs. Most of them come from Louisiana, and even if they do, they suck and everybody knows that king crabs are phenomenally better. Alaskan king crabs. They're something to be proud of. They look like dinosaurs. If one was crawling towards you on the floor, you'd dive out the window."

Dukes struck up a dialogue with his Baltimore-native producer, Broc.

Broc: I love the blue crab. There's nothing that that woman said, that you just read, that doesn't bother me.

Dukes: Okay, but it's all true. Don't say it isn't true.

Broc: I understand that people have a problem with that. I've just grown to appreciate it.

Dukes: Is the mustard attractive?

Broc: I could see how they might gross one out.

Dukes: Is cutting your hands on the shells fun?

Broc: I don't mind that at all.

Dukes: Does having Old Bay on them immediately get into the cut and then burn your skin, is that a good thing? 

Broc: Yes. You get the Old Bay right into the bloodstream that way.

Dukes: It's just all shtick. There can never be a conversation. I don't need your standup. I'm looking for honesty. You are from Dundalk. You represent the trash that live in that area. I want you to be able to express yourself.

Broc: I do love all of the different aspects of it. I like the fact that it is a difficult thing. I enjoy the idea that you might cut your finger while you're eating. 

Dukes: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

Broc: It adds an element of excitement.

Dukes: It adds excitement that you could injure yourself while eating?

Broc: Not everything has to be pure enjoyment. Like there can be an element of danger that adds to the excitement.

Dukes: Danger. It's you and XXX. You're Vin Diesel. There's element of danger. What a rube.

"The only reason that people pick crabs is because they're alcoholics, they're drunks, and I'm fine with that," Dukes concluded. "But they want an excuse to sit out all day. I haven't even gotten to, Landfill, the trash! when you have to take that brown paper, like that's gonna hold anything, and roll it up and put it in your garbage.

"What happens 30 seconds after that takes place? A plague of flies that looks like those drones in The Matrix that are attacking Zion! Flies from here all the way to Parkville, everywhere! And it smells to high heaven! And then it's like you live in a dump for the next 20 days. Where can I take that crap, that it's not going to ruin everything around?"

"Raccoons are going to be doing the Harlem Shake in my front yard for the next week until the garbage comes," added Dukes. "You stink, Broc. And crab shells stink."

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