D.C. doughnut shop offers Harper the deal of a lifetime

Chris Lingebach
February 25, 2019 - 4:53 pm
District Doughnut offers Harper the deal of a lifetime

Photo: Anna Meyer

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A local doughnut shop is making a serious late bid for Bryce Harper.

As the Dodgers throw their hat back in the ring, District Doughnut is making Harper an offer it hopes he can't refuse: unlimited doughnuts for life and his own custom flavor.

But only if he returns to the Nats.

Before you say it, get outta here with that 'he can buy all the doughnuts he wants with his next contract!' noise. Simple pleasures are the key to life, and everyone knows you can't put a price on a free doughnut. Much less so a lifetime supply of free doughnuts. That's gotta be worth, like, at least a half-billion in dollars.

If Harper leaves via free agency, the Nationals would be losing a generational-type talent and potential Hall of Famer, and perhaps the most marketable player in all of baseball, to a new city, for years to come. So it certainly makes sense why so many are emotionally invested in whatever decision he inevitably makes.

But more pressing questions loom. 

What toppings come on a Bryce Harper doughnut? And what is it filled with?

We're going with a standard glaze here, but a raspberry-preserve filling, to represent the immense raw talent Harper radiates from within. It's what's inside that counts in the heart of a champion.

The outside is where it gets tricky. A team player, Harper's definitely going to have team-inspired colors in the mix somewhere. But he loves America, too. Fortunately both those values align with the Nats (yet another reason to stay, even though we're not doing that right now). But don't forget we already have a thick glaze for a base.

Let's go red-white-and-blue sprinkles and not another thought to it. 'Merica.

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