LOOK: Valdez takes a lawnmower to his head

Chris Lingebach
May 18, 2020 - 12:30 pm

Self-quarantining has us all struggling for home remedies to our everyday needs.

Chief among these needs, millions of Americans have had to teach themselves to cut their own hair. This proved a source of frustration for Junkies producer Matt Valdez, who tried and failed in a blaze of glory to give himself a home haircut for the first time over the weekend.

"It's killing me. It's awful," Valdez explained of his rationale for taking a lawnmower to his own scalp. "My dandruff couldn't be any worse. I look so gray."

Valdez purchased a beard trimmer to set forth on this miserable journey, to vanquish the flake-filled gray mop atop his head once and for all.

"My hair is so long, I have to use scissors to like snip it," he said. "Because the beard clippers aren't strong enough to go through my thick, lush, gray hair."

"So I cut it with scissors and it looks awful," he said. "And then I'm running the beard trimmer through it."

"And the beard trimmer's not picking up any hair," he added. "And when it does, it's making these botchy marks (read: blotchy marks) on my head. So it literally looks like Cowboy's tic-tac-toe board that you put into his hair.

"I mean I have bare spots, I have patchy spots all over my head. I can't work this guard."

"Did you paint your bald spot?" Lurch asked with a callback to a forgotten time in radio.

"Well, my entire head is a bald spot now because I had to start over from scratch," said Valdez. "I officially look like Pete Medhurst and Cakes. That's how bald I am."

Valdez understandably unleashed an endless round of joaning on himself. Take a look at this mangled mess of flesh!

So far nubby's polling at 86 percent...

An inside source sends along these horrifying images from the grisly crime scene.

Junkies producer fails spectacularly at home haircut (look)
Radio Insider

Junkies producer fails spectacularly at home haircut (look)
Radio Insider